So, yeah. I’ve given up. I still maintain a profile on a few dating sites, but never use them. Every once in a while, some guy will send me a free “flirt,” “wink” or other free notification used by dating sites to let me know he’s checked out my profile. Sometimes I’ll have a look, briefly check out the guy’s profile to see if I’m interested, to see if we might have some commonalities. Nine times out of 10, we don’t.
OkCupid (aka, OkStupid; MehCupid) sends the notification themselves. The guy doesn’t have to send a “wink” or “flirt” if he doesn’t want to. OkCupid lets me know any time someone’s checked out my profile, which happens maybe once or twice a month, if that. I can usually tell by the guy’s thumbnail pic and username if he’s a match for me or not, and most of the time, it’s not. Every once in a while, I’ll get a good candidate, or at least one that doesn’t immediately turn me off, and will venture to check out his profile.
I couldn’t really tell from his username and thumbnail pic if he was a potential match for me or not, so I clicked on his profile to check him out. He’s a 39 year old Asian guy; lives in my area; tall, educated, literate (he used an obscure Shakespeare quote in his profile), and enjoys time to himself. Being an introvert, I can understand his need for alone time. I liked the fact that he seemed educated and literate, so I decided to send him a message and see how things went.
Here’s what happened.
Me: Hi. I got a notification from OkCupid that you’d checked out my profile, so I decided to check out yours. I like what you have to say for yourself and can identify with your need for alone time. While I enjoy good conversations, I don’t always like to talk to people all the time and value my time to myself. That said, if you’re interested, maybe we’ll talk? [Heh heh. I thought that last part was kind of funny and hoped he’d appreciate the irony.]
Asian guy: Sorry, too heavy.
Me: ...Um, what’s “too heavy”? [I knew full well he meant I was too fat for him, but his vague response and rejection based on body size alone made me angry. “Too heavy”?? What’s too heavy? My “overly philosophical” message to him? My rather wordy dating profile? I wanted to push him to be clear with me and see if he’d actually say what was on his mind.]
Asian guy: It's the soda. The high fructose corn syrup is poison. Even one soda a week means you will be gaining weight *every single week* of your life. I can link you to an NPR interview with a PhD nutritionist from UCSF medical school if you want to know about HFCS. [This is an exact transcription of what he wrote to me. Yeah, really.]
Me: Oh, I get it. You're making an assumption about my eating habits based on my body size. You know absolutely NOTHING about my life or eating habits, yet you think you can make an assumption about them simply based on my appearance. Think about this: you can no more judge the size of someone's bank account based on the car they drive or the clothes on their back than you can judge a fat person's health, lifestyle and eating habits simply based on appearance alone. Take your judgmental ass back where it came from and leave me alone. [Asshole. You are now blocked from ever contacting me again.]
Meanwhile, in the midst of this scintillating conversation with the fat judging Asian guy, another asshole sends me a message on OkCupid simply because he notices I’m online. This one decides to pick apart something I wrote in my profile.
To explain – one of the questions OkCupid asks on its dating profile is, “What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” When I was filling out the profile back in 2007, I answered this question as honestly as I could: “I'll have to get back to you on this one. It varies from week to week, sometimes day to day. Currently, I'm worried about my job due to budget cuts in education. Dealing with uncertainty is not one of my favorite things to do.”
To which this asshole responded: Then the question is, are you going to lean your ladder on someone else's wall, or make the effort to build your own wall to lean your ladder on? [Again, an exact transcription. Not “hello, nice to meet you, tell me something about yourself,” but a passive aggressive dig directed at my answer to the above question.]
Me [without even bothering to check out the jerk’s profile – what’s the point?]: If you have something to say to me, be direct. Don't hide behind passive aggressive bullshit.
Asshole: Hardly...I think YOU are afraid that I can extract the vulnerability you are living in without too much effort. [Again, an exact transcription.]
Me… well, there was obviously no need to even bother responding. That asshole was immediately blocked from any further communication with me.
…So, yeah. Asshole attack on OkCupid. The passive aggressive jerks were out in force today and all coming after me. Judgment about my eating habits because, of course, “all fat people eat nothing but junk food all day”; man-splaining because of course, "being a fat person, I'd know absolutely nothing about high fructose corn syrup" and how it can lead to "weight gain every single week of my life" if not taken in moderation; rejection based on my body size; and Crazy, making assumptions about my personal strength and vulnerability based on one answer written on a dating profile. See what happens when I put myself out there?